Gender Roles: Who Submits to Whom?

I saw a commercial for Buffy the Vampire Slayer the other day in which a feminist observed how Buffy fulfilled her warrior calling with the same kind method and nuance as any other male.  That may be true for heroine of Joss Whedon’s cult hit, but is it true of women in general?  Is there any differentiation in the roles of men and women, particular in a marriage?

          Marriage vows used to look much different in days gone by.  Certain things were asked of the man, while different things were asked of the woman.  Yet today, marriage vows tend to be identical for each gender. 

          The Apostle Paul wrote in Ephesians 5:22-23, “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.” 

          Paul’s teaching about the roles of husbands and wives was quite revolutionary at the time, as the prevalent culture didn’t see men and women as equal.  Yet at the same time, it’s revolutionary in our culture that tends to see men and women as the same without any distinct roles or callings.  So even though there’s some overlapping in being male and female, they each are still distinguishable ways of being human with distinguishable gifts and callings in marriage. 

          Notice Paul doesn’t tell wives to love their husbands, but to respect him.  He doesn’t tell husbands to respect their wives, but to love them.  He tells husband and wives both to submit in verse 21, but then tells the wives to submit a second time in verse 22.   The wife is not told to work for the perfection of her husband so she can present him before the throne, spotless and without blemish. 

          So does this mean that the wives don’t have to love their husband, but just respect them?  Or that a wife is not supposed to work for her husband’s maturity and sanctification?  Of course it can’t mean that because those things are taught in other places.  So the only reason Paul would lay out these different instructions is because men and women are good and bad at different things.  Recognizing this, Paul emphasized different things for each, because each possesses different gifts and roles. 

          Contrary to the Buffy enthusiast, there’s plenty of evidence that men and women will go about the same job in different ways.  Tim Keller quoted a study that concluded, “Men tend to see themselves maturing as they separate and become independent and make an impact.  Women see themselves maturing as they attach to others and become interdependent.”  In other words, men have the gift of independence, while women have the gift of interdependence, which seems to fit well with what scripture says. 

          Now with the obvious differences between husbands and wives, a lot of the more conservative believers will assemble a long list of specific and very stereotypical roles.  They may say that the husband should work and the wife should stay home with the children.  I know many couples that make that work them, and that’s wonderful.  But where does the Bible specifically say that?  Or that the woman cooks, and the man is in charge of the checkbook?  That works for some marriages, and that’s good for them.  But where does the Bible specifically say that?

          Before the industrial age, husbands and wives both stayed home and worked to produce goods together, whether it was farming or raising livestock or making clothes.  They both worked to produce goods and they both raised the children.  It wasn’t until the industrial age that for the first time someone had to get up and leave the home to go to place of work.  The husband usually went to off to work while the wife stayed home and raised the children.  Yet the Bible doesn’t nail itself down into those kinds of specifics for the roles of husbands and wives.

          Proverbs 31 talks about a woman of worth.  She into real estate and investments, she does sewing and child rearing, and there’s no reason to think that her husband was doing all those things with her.  So when we talk about the Bible’s teaching regarding the traditional family, we cannot hone the Bible to the traditions of one particular place in history.  In light of this, there seems to be great amount of freedom in how a wife contributes to her home and to her family.

          When Paul says in vs. 22, “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife,” he is referring us back to Genesis with the important word, “head.” 

          This word has a primary meaning of “source.”  It could be used to refer to the headwaters of a river, being the river’s source.  The Greed word here for “head” is just like our word, “authority.”  If I write a piece of poetry, I am the author.  Therefore since I am the source of the poetry, I have the authority to inform you of what the poetry is about.  So when Paul is referring back to Genesis where Eve is taken out of Adam, Adam is in a sense the source and headwaters of Eve.  So when Paul says what he says, it is because of the way things were set up at creation.

          In the first chapters of Genesis, there are two things crucial for understanding marriage.  First, the man and woman were created as namer and helper.  Secondly, husband and wife’s original nature of being a namer and a helper was cursed and corrupted because of sin. 

          God tells Adam to name the animals.  In the Bible, naming something was to take charge of shaping its character and purpose.  A parent would name a child because the name reflected the kind of child they would hopefully grow up to be.  God would change a person’s name when he would change their nature. 

          When God creates Adam to name the animals, he obviously wants him to have an impact on shaping the character of the world.  Eve, on the other hand, was created to be a helper.  The problem is that we tend to think of a helper as being weak without the ability to really contribute much.  We tend to think of how a child might help his dad build a doghouse.  He can’t really help, but he can get the hammer for his dad and maybe hand him a nail or two. 

          Biblically the word “help” is an extremely sophisticated term that is almost always used of God, as God is our help in time of trouble (Psalm 46:1).  A helper, therefore, is someone with power and resources you don’t have.   Eve, being created as Adam’s helper, implies weaknesses and deficiencies in Adam that Eve doesn’t have, and that Eve possesses power and resources that Adam doesn’t have.

          For example, I can help my son with his math because I know more about math than he does, but there’s two ways that I can help him.  I can bring my help in such a way as to enable and empower him, or I can bring my help in such a way as to replace him where I just do the math for him.  And yet if I do it for him, I’m not really helping him.  Therefore, a wife has the gift of using her strength and power in such a way as to enable and empower her husband.   

          This doesn’t mean that women don’t name animals or that men aren’t supposed to help their wives.  But each has a gift that makes them strong in certain areas.  When we talk about women having a gift of interdependence while men have a gift of independence, we don’t mean that women are to never be independent or that men are never to be interdependent.  We are talking about things in which each gender excels, therefore when a husband and wife come together, they complete each other.  They each have strengths that fill in the gaps of the other’s weaknesses. 

          So the first basic truth from Genesis is that men and women are created differently.  The second basic truth is that they and their strengths have been corrupted by sin.

          God says to Eve in Genesis 3:16, “I will intensify your labor pains; you will bear children in anguish.  Your desire will be for your husband, yet he will rule over you.”

          God says to Adam in verses 17-19, “The ground is cursed because of you.  You will eat from it by means of painful labor all the days of your life.  It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field.  You will eat bread by the sweat of your brow until you return to the ground.” 

          Notice that when God curses humanity, he curses each gender differently.  He curses Adam’s work so that Adam’s desire to subdue and bring order to his world by way of his work will become an idol.  In other words, his work will become too important to him.  It will be a continual source of frustration because it will never really fulfill him. 

          God then curses Eve’s relationships.  She will desire her husband desperately, but he will want to dominate her.  Her gift of interdependence is corrupted into dependence where she wants to be taken care of.  Adam’s gift of independence is corrupted into tyranny. 

          So the traditionalist that rails on about the husband’s need to rule over his wife and get his wife under control is forgetting the curse.  They are forgetting the fact that men will tend to oppress women and that women will tend to make it easy for them.  Their fallen natures and corrupted gifts can feed off each other in destructive cycles. 

          The fact is that men and women in marriage are supposed to learn to submit to one another, and the husband is supposed to have a loving authority.  The wife is to use her helpership to continually pull her husband back from tyranny and autonomy, while the husband is use his strength to pull his wife back from dependence and helplessness. 

          So what then is a wife’s submission to her husband?  I must be tie-breaking authority.  The traditionalists believe the wife is the submitter while the husband makes all the decisions for the family.  Yet marriage, being the ultimate friendship between two people where iron sharpens iron, there will be contention at times as each one grabs the other and pulls them away from the corrupt use of their gifts.   

          So normally in marriage, the husband and wife will sit together and try to figure out what the best decision is.  But what happens when they just can’t agree?  What happens when a decision has to be made?  What if you’re trying to decide what school the kids should attend, or what house to buy, or what neighborhood to live in?  What if it’s a decision that will impact the whole family, but an agreement can’t be reached?  The Bible’s answer is to let the husband break the tie.

          When the husband initiates loving leadership in his home, and the wife ultimately and graciously defers to her husband, the Bible says that they are getting in touch with something deep inside that dates back to creation.  The two of them are becoming more masculine and more feminine, and together a more complete image of God.  As a result, the marriage is strengthened, the next generation is discipled, and God is glorified.  

Are You So Blind?

          Being blind to spiritual truth is a tricky thing.  No one wants to admit to their blindness, yet we are all quick to see it in others.  In a passage illustrating the reality of just how spiritually blind we all are, Jesus asked his disciples a probing question.

          Mark 8:29, “‘But you,’” He asked them again, ‘who do you say that I am?’  Peter answered Him, ‘You are the Messiah!’”

          The miracle right before this exchange is quite unique as it appears that Jesus’ healing power doesn’t work as advertised.  It appears to take two applications of Jesus’ healing power to disseminate this man’s blindness.

          Mark is illustrating for us the realities of spiritual blindness that plague us all.  Placing this passage in the context of the whole chapter, we see in verses 1-8 that the disciples don’t see Jesus clearly.  Verses 11-21 reveal also the blindness of the Pharisees and religious leaders to the magnitude of who Jesus is. 

          Verse 21, “And He said to them, ‘Don’t you understand yet?’”

          Mark puts this healing miracle right in the middle of these two groups of people who fail to understand who Jesus is.  And after this strange demonstration of power by Jesus, Peter finally begins to get it.  Therefore the scholars see this account as more than just a miracle, but also a parable.

          Jesus didn’t do cookie cutter healings.  Sometimes he puts spit on the eyes or ears.  Sometimes he says something, and sometimes he says nothing at all.  Sometimes he does it from a distance with only a thought.  So when Jesus does something special in his miracle process, we are seeing special teaching moments. 

Here we see Jesus teaching us that no one will be able to see who Jesus really is without divine intervention.  This chapter demonstrates the spiritual blindness of the disciples and the religious leaders, and that covers everyone. 

          The Bible doesn’t divide people up into good and bad.  There’s no good people who see and love and live the truth, while the bad people are blind to the truth and resist the truth.  But rather Jesus’ friends as well as his enemies suffer from the inability to see spiritual truth. 

          The commentators agree that this passage is trying to show that it takes more than one touch from Jesus to cure spiritual blindness.  The inability to see spiritual truth is pervasive and deeply entrenched in every human heart.  Therefore the remedy comes in stages with multiple touches from the Lord.  In other words, the cure for our spiritual blindness is a process of revealing and illumination. 

          Yet, even when our spiritual sight is cleared up enough to see who Jesus really is and to have a relationship with him, our sight is still not clear enough to actually live the life Christ would have us live.  This blindness is so deep in our hearts that is doesn’t clear up all at once.

          Now if we believe what the scripture is illustrating for us about spiritual blindness, then we have no grounds for being impatient or feeling superior to those who don’t spiritually see as well as we do.  We have no reason to look down our nose at those who don’t believe like we do or as much as we do.  We should never get irritable with them or impatient with them. 

          And yet when we feel so sure of something, our heart naturally wants to say, “You’re a fool for being so blind to the truth.”  But if spiritual sight is ultimately a gift from God, then we have no grounds for superiority.  In fact, forgetting that our sight is given to us by God is a kind of blindness itself.  The paradox is that you know your spiritual sight is clearing up when you recognize just how unclear it is.

          I look at myself ten years ago and see how foolish I was in one respect or another.  And yet I will do the same thing ten more years from now.  In other words, I’m foolish to some degree right now, even though I won’t see it clearly until later looking back on it.  Therefore how in the world can we look at someone else and say, "You fool."

          Jesus actually has a place in the Sermon on the Mount where he talks about how evil it is to curse people in our heart and call them a fool.  To do so testifies of one’s ignorance about the Bible’s teaching regarding the gift of spiritual sight.  So if you believe and see with a degree of clarity, don't be grumpy with people who don’t see as clearly yet. 

          Christianity is not a religion in the sense of merely doing observances and practices.  True Christianity that changes you is where a relationship with Jesus is established.  And like all relationships, if the other person doesn’t allow you to see who they are, then you’re not having a real relationship.  You don’t just start doing all the right practices, but you have to come to Jesus and ask to see him more clearly and to see what is in his heart for you. 

          I’ve always known it was healthy to drink lots of water, but for years I mostly drank Dr. Pepper and coffee.  But then I had a bout of kidney stones, incapacitating me for three weeks.  Now I drink water.  I knew what could happen, but in another sense I didn’t know. 

          Similarly, there is no one who begins to see spiritually who doesn’t look back and say, “In one sense I knew better, but I didn’t really see.  I had heard that a hundred times, but one day it suddenly became real.”  This is process of seeing Jesus and then seeing more of Jesus.

          Verse 24-25, “Spitting on his eyes and laying His hands on him, He asked him, ‘Do you see anything?’  He looked up and said, ‘I see people—they look to me like trees walking.’  Again Jesus placed His hands on the man’s eyes, and he saw distinctly.  He was cured and could see everything clearly.” 

It is clear that Jesus heals the man in stages, showing us that our spiritual blindness is remedied by a whole long process.  We can often become discouraged by Paul’s conversion experience as he seems to go from new believer to mature believer almost overnight.  But there’s another Apostle with a different conversion experience.  We see in this passage that Peter gets some clarity to his spiritual sight, but then almost immediately Jesus rebukes him because his sight isn’t completely clear yet.  And at some point Peter crosses over from death to life, ceasing to trust in himself and beginning to trust in Christ.  But it’s almost impossible to say exactly when it happens.

          If we spend all our time looking at Paul’s conversion, we can get filled with self-doubts quickly.  Therefore we should look at this story and ask, “Was the man healed or not?”  Yes, he was healed, but not until he admitted that he only saw people walking around like trees.  And Jesus touched him again. 

          So instead of being filled with self-doubts, maybe you should be more dissatisfied with your level of spiritual sight.  Then you could come to Jesus seeking to know him more.  Or instead of expecting everyone to mature instantly like Paul appears to, you could come to Jesus for even more clarity of sight.  And as a result, you would stop cutting people down who look like trees and then talking to them as if they were stumps. 

          So if you don’t drastically change like Paul, don’t think that Jesus isn't working in your life at all.  Because you are not capable of being dissatisfied with your spiritual sight unless God has already cleared it up some.

          Verse 22, “Then they came to Bethsaida. They brought a blind man to Him and begged Him to touch him.”

On his own, it doesn't appear this blind man would have found Jesus.  But his friends, who could see Jesus, brought him.  We like to keep our weakness private, and we certainly hate admitting we may be wrong.  And when someone asks if we see correctly, we tend to tell them to mind their own business.  But you have to spend time with people who see more clearly than you.  I value my time at seminary immensely.  The professors were wonderful, but I dare say that the best learning came when friends and I gathered together to process our theology. 

          Verse 29, “And He strictly warned them to tell no one about Him.”

          Jesus knows eventually that word of his power will get to the Roman and Jewish authorities, and they will have to kill him.  Every time Jesus uses his redemptive power, he is putting nails in his own coffin. 

Mark 15:33-34, “When it was noon, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon.  And at three Jesus cried out with a loud voice, ‘Eloi, Eloi, lemá sabachtháni?’ which is translated, ‘My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?’”
          There was an absolute darkness on the cross, but it was only a physical representation of the spiritual darkness into which Jesus was plunged.  Why?  Because Jesus was willing to be plunged into the darkness of God’s wrath that we may know the light of God's love.

          If this moves you, then you will begin to stop worrying about whose criticizing you or disagreeing with you.  If this moves you, then you will look down your nose less and up to God more.  If this moves you, then you will feel less superior to those who see less, and less threatened by those who try to help you see more.  If this moves you, then you will want to sacrifice for others and live for Christ, no longer consumed about what’s in it for you or how comfortable you are.  If this moves you, and you feel yourself really beginning to change, then it’s because God is graciously adding clarity to your spiritual sight.

Its one thing to know God is with you in suffering, but…

         

         Nothing is more inevitable in life than suffering and grief.  In the Bible, Job was a devout believer in God, a pillar in his community, and suddenly everything was taken away from him.  He lost his wealth, health, family, and he himself was plunged into existential darkness. 

          In the mid chapters Job probes the depths of his grief, expressing confusion and anger.  But there’s one place where Job reaches a high point of remarkable insight as he comes to grips with resources to help him face his terrible suffering and anguish.

            Job 13:20, 24 “Only grant these two things to me, God, so that I will not have to hide from Your presence… Why do You hide Your face and consider me Your enemy?”

          Job doesn’t want to have to hide from God, and he doesn’t want God to hide from him.  So what is that for which Job is looking?

          Verse 22, “Then call, and I will answer.”

          Job wants to be brought in to God’s presence.  If Job has sinned against God, then he wants it dealt with, because he doesn’t want God to be his enemy.  He wants to know that God is with him in this suffering.  He wants to know that God has not abandoned him and left him to die alone in his grief.

          In the earlier chapters, Job was asking for an explanation for why he was suffering, but here it’s not primarily answers he seeks.  He wants the personal presence of God.  He wants to know that God is walking with him in this darkness. 

          When my friend lost his wife and daughter in a tragic accident, his grief was not an intellectual puzzle.  It was a journey.  Last year, a few women ran across the Sahara Desert to raise awareness for human potential.  The Sahara is the world in its extreme.  There is no place on earth as dry and hot and hostile.  When making such a difficult journey, one spends very little time thinking about the map.  Rather one thinks about the stamina necessary to make such a journey, and whether he or she possesses such strength.   

          Job no longer spent all his time looking for an explanation for his pain.  He was no longer asking the why question of suffering.  But rather the how question.  How can he find the strength to endure this journey and get to wherever it leads? 

          When people think about what you have done for them during the course of their lives, most of the time it won’t be the information you tried to give them that they will remember.  Instead they will recall how you sat with them in the ER waiting room when their child was in an accident.  Or they will remember how you came to the jail and sat with them when their son had been arrested. 

          During those times they didn’t need a map of information, theological or otherwise.  What they needed was somebody who was with them in it and walking with them thru it.  They needed the presence of someone who loved them

          Job realizes that even if he had the answers, he could still die crossing that desert.  But what he needed was the strength of knowing that God loved him and was with him.  Because he knows if he has that, he can handle everything else.    

          Only Christianity says that God didn’t respond to suffering with a philosophical discourse or theological lecture.  But rather God came Himself.  Only Christianity has the audacity to say that God in Jesus Christ came down and entered into this world of suffering.  He has been lonely, betrayed, tortured and killed.  In other words, God didn’t merely give us information, but rather He came down to the ER.  He came down the county jail.

          Job 14:7, “There is hope for a tree: If it is cut down, it will sprout again, and its shoots will not die.”
          Job introduces and important biblical concept related to suffering.  College botany taught me that vitality and productivity requires pruning and stress.  If you take a fruit tree and you just let have a happy stress-free life, it won’t be very fruitful.  But instead you have hack at it and cut off its beauty and all its leaves and flowers.  It will look like its being destroyed.  But only if it is cut and stressed by the process of pruning will it become thicker and stronger and fuller with more fruit and greater beauty.  In the same way, suffering produces greater glory. 

          Paul wrote in, 2 Corinthians 4:16-17, “Therefore we do not give up; even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory.”

          When those who have endured suffering in this life get around people who haven’t suffered, often they recognize an emotional and spiritual shallowness.  They don’t have glory, and when the troubles come like a flood, they are swept away, giving in to bitterness and defensiveness and coldness, resenting the happiness and success of others, convinced that they deserve better.

          This is the challenge of glory.  When suffering and grief comes to you, God has his hands in the clay, forming you into someone with staying power.  You will be more beautiful, bearing more fruit. 

          Now you may be hoping for something more than this knowledge of God’s pruning activity to give you strength when you are hurting.  Job seems to be hoping for something more as well. 

          Verses 10-12, “But a man dies and fades away; he breathes his last—where is he?  As water disappears from the sea and a river becomes parched and dry, so man lies down never to rise again. They will not wake up until the heavens are no more; they will not stir from their sleep.”

          In other words, there may be hope for a tree that is pruned, but Job feels like he is beyond pruning.  Job feels he is being destroyed and will eventually die.  He doesn’t see any hope. 

          Verses 13-15, “If only You would hide me in Sheol [the grave] and conceal me until Your anger passes, that You would appoint a time for me and then remember me.  When a man dies, will he come back to life?  If so, I would wait all the days of my struggle until my relief comes.  You would call, and I would answer You.”

          The word for struggle is used to describe prison labor.  Job believes that he will go into the grave and pay his debt.  And afterward, he hopes that God will remember him and bring him relief from the grave.  But dead men don’t get relieved from the grave.  So why would Job have any hope of being resurrected from the dead?

          Verse 15, “You would call, and I would answer You. You would long for the work of Your hands.”

          Job has come to believe that God loves him.  He believes God’s love to be so unstoppable that He wouldn’t let Job stay dead.  Job knows that if God is as great as he knows He is, and therefore His love is as great as he knows it to be, then someday God will call and Job will be restored.

          Centuries later, Jesus Christ stood at the tomb of his friend Lazarus.  Jesus wept, longing for His friend.  Jesus knew the religious leaders were watching.  He knew that if He did what he wanted to do, the religious leaders would see no choice but to kill him. 

          In other words, Jesus knew the only way He could get Lazarus out of the grave was to put Himself into it.  Jesus did the prison labor in the grave of Sheol, translated as Hades in the New Testament.  Jesus was immersed into death, receiving all the ultimate suffering and grieving we deserve.  He did this so you would trust that he loves you.  Then he rose from the dead so you would know that the price for your sin and rebellion against God has been paid in full. 

          I believe that is what Jesus meant when he said in Matthew 16:18, “…and on this rock I will build My church, and the forces of Hades will not overpower it.”

          When Jesus calls, those who trusted in him will come forth, for death will not overpower us.  Why is this so powerful a resource when we are suffering?  Because it’s one thing to know that God is with you, but it’s another thing to know that He is with you forever.

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